Ce qui m'ont devenez

motita @ 2009-01-05T10:38:00

2009-01-05T15:38:47Z

On friday it was set I was due to catch the 8:05 amtrack train to downtown Milwaukee to meet up Lily, Lyn and Jessica for a weekend of quality time. I ended up leaving work at about 640, caught the bus at almost 7, I was a bit crunched for time. As I got off at washington and wells brown line I went up the wrong street and was by ogleby station me being on the phone and not paying attention allong with being crunched for time, walked in and out of the building trying to folow the confusing directions the girls were texting and yelling at me over the phone. I honestly hadn't taken the amtrack before so was a bit ignorant also. So 745 approaches and the lightbulb went off! I located myself and knew exactly where to go!!
I'm running to the building while on the phone with a coworker whose niece was just born. So jessica is calling me and I ignored the call, then I get a text from lyn, I ignore it! No time to read I'm on a mission. I see I get another text from an unknown number, needless to say I get to the desk at 800 and the man says too late the doors closed. I call lyn and we fig an alternative I'm catching the metra.
When I get an opp I read my text and I had one from a 414 area code asking " did u find it?" ( what goes through my head is that lily texted me from someone elses phone since hers is broken, I don't respond cuz I had already spoken to lyn and they were all together.)

Saturday as I'm deleting my text I stumble across it. And I ask whose phone was I texted from. They all look at me confused. I'm like yeah 414 area... lily says that's a milwaukee number and she only knows 3 people with that number and hadn't seen any of them since last week due to vacation..
I'm was baffled and insisted they had done it, no one else knew I was going out there, and at that exact moment no one but they knew I was looking for something to ask such question.
They all assured and swore that they didn t. There realy was no need since jess andlyn both had their phones...

Before I made them swear up and down I called the number since the beginning when lily said it wasn't her and it is a non working number.. That's when I made them swear they weren't playing.

Until anything else comes up that explains it to me my only belief is that the person obviously missing was watching over me..

motita @ 2008-05-05T20:57:00

2008-05-06T02:06:25Z

have not been able to gather my toughts lately.

living life. creating and destroying relationships

motita @ 2008-04-16T11:59:00

2008-04-16T16:59:34Z

got myself into a deep one this time..

motita @ 2008-03-17T20:23:00

2008-03-18T01:23:57Z

shit is weird...
life is amazing yet horrible at the same time...
waaay too much to swallow at the same time but too tempting to not try...

motita @ 2008-02-14T22:04:00

2008-02-15T06:07:03Z

Please pray for the victims of NIU...
Please pray for my friend maria to recover well...
lately i feel like all i have is hope && prayer...
never in my life did i feel i needed prayer and hope this much...
I am so helpless...
Why dont people understand...
what does taking others lives do any good...
i dont understand...

WHy do we have to live in a world where all we are left to do is fear all...

peace has never seemed like a more far fetched idea....

motita @ 2008-02-13T01:01:00

2008-02-13T07:02:19Z

As you may have heard his past thanksgiving two young men were killed in a car accident in the north side of chicago by a drunk driver who happened to be an off duty cop. The story was all over the news and many were devestated. Well to some this was not a story on the news but a horrible reality to their lives. For those of you who knew me and knew my boyfriend at the moment Gus, Erick was his cousin almost brother and Miguel was his grammer school friend. The family was devestated Erick was off hand a genuinly good guy with a bright life ahead of him full of love and respect for all those around him. I can't say much for miguel having had not met him myself but judging by the people erick surrounds himself with he must have been an amazing person also.
THe case against the cop who in reality Killed them was dismissed... "not enough evidence/facts" was the reason.. a complete injustice to pretty much everyone yet a slap in the face to the families of these amazing guys whose lives were stolen waaay before their time.

This is a letter from a cousin of his.

As some of you may know, the recently loss of my cousin Erick Lagunas and his friend Miguel Flores has left my family and me completely devastated. Erick was like a brother, and having grown up with him, the loss has been increasingly difficult.

Added to our grief, the judge ruled the case in favor of the police officer who was driving drunk and crashed into my cousin's car on terms that there was " no indication" that the officer was drunk. The case was dismissed.

Under any other circumstances I would have liked to grieve in peace, but having suffered such an injustice, I find it necessary to ask EVERYONE that reads this to VOICE YOUR OPINION about my COUSIN'S CASE at stateattorney@cookcountygov.com. This is the state attorney's email address which can also be found at:

http://www.statesattorney.org/contactus.htm

If you find that there are no words to vouch for my cousin and his friend, this might be useful:

Erick was 21 and had his whole life ahead of him. He was smart, funny, gullible and always eager to help those in need. Erick loved to live life to the fullest. He had an intimidating personality but was somehow approachable. He never left his mom's side and was protective of all of his cousins. We grew up together, swimming in the same pool, laughing about the same jokes, crying over lost kickball games and eating at family parties which happened very often. He was always joking with Gus, laughing and hugging Tetos, carrying his nephews and nieces, amazed at Vicky's accomplishments, eager to learn from anyone, proud of everyone in his family, looked up to his older brother, looked out for his younger brother, and respected and honored his father. He accepted all of us, just the way we were. He was a brother, a cousin, an uncle, and a son. He was someone to everyone that knew him. We loved and will love him dearly and forever.

Please forward this and WRITE TO THE STATES ATTORNEY!!

thank you friends and family

motita @ 2008-02-07T23:32:00

2008-02-08T05:35:47Z

I dreamt him...
I miss Ixchel...
Ive been okay...

I'd risk my life to feel your body next to mine... cuz i can't go on living in the memory of us....

motita @ 2008-01-15T16:44:00

2008-01-15T23:37:48Z

Algunas cosas que hago me sacan de onda. Despues del hecho no entiendo porque ni como fue que eso sucedio. Pero lo importante es que sucedio. Este ano fue un sueno una nuve en la que aunqe trate de todos modos en bajarme de ella no pude.

Mi vida esta confusa, no hago lo que deveria de hacer. Y al mismo tiempo hago tantas cosas que tengo que hacer. Estoy batayando para encontrar mi lugar en esta vida. Para hayar el balance entre diversion y madures.

I have decided to get my life together. slowly but surely. I need to get my things together here I am 21 with a pointless job, just going to school with no idea what i want to do anymore.
saw my advisor today. I have decided to be a biology hs teacher. I have had some cool teachers. I want to have more involvement I will enjoy it more. I am excited about everything.
Love I love gus, I know he is in love with me and just like my life fell apart his did too and we just need time. Or so i think. Things will fall into place because i feel down in my heart that he is who i am meant to be with.

be kind, considerate, listen and compromise.

motita @ 2008-01-09T01:17:00

2008-01-09T07:28:32Z

I am so angry...
so hurt...

everyone talks shit about him tells me it was best i am no longer in the relationship. Disregards my emotions. or thereof lack of. I dont want your sympathy i never have it but at least either listen or just dont talk bad about him when you are not aware of the situation.
You claim he wasnt good for me
but who was there to listen to me cry, you werent
who was there when my best friend was sick and I had to be strong for her. He was there when i broke down. He gave me the hope i sometimes lacked, He made me smile when i thought I had forgoten how to.
When i was exhausted form working two jobs and school and still coming home to listen to people tell me left and right i am good for nothing... he was there to tell me I was the smartest girl in the world and had so much going for myself.
WHen i was sick he brought me soup and took care of me.
When I was tired he stood home with me to spend time with me
When i woke up late he got up early to take me to work or school.
when i was ready to give up on everyone and everything... he smiled at me and told me he loved me.

so don't tell me he was no good for me. Don't bad mouth him infront of me..

I admit to this one.. i messed up... I realized how stupid i was acting too late... once i could do nothing about it.. he warned me and he told me soo many times but i was sure i had him forever... and forever ended too soon..
I am making this post public on pourpose...
and i can add more to the list of things he did for me... but above that it was not what he did for me with actions.. but how he made me feel about myself. And next to him i was the luckiest girl...

now this hole in my chest seems never ending...

I will try to fix you...

2007-12-18T15:50:34Z

Ambitions are low,
resentment rides high....

these past two days I have woken up in a complete different mood that I have the past what may have been 5 months.
Although still in a hole, at least it is my hole.

Things will come together, maybe everything is falling apart so that I can rebuild it the way I want it.
Ixchel set the example of what a true friend is,
Always there for me,
Always listening,
Always setting me in my place,
Always commenting because she knew her input mattered to me
Understanding and not judgemental,
Outgoing and ALWAYS up for anything,
And even if petty discussions came upon either one apologized when we knew we were wrong.

Gus set an example of what kind of man i want. and possibly may still have :)

Friends are coming and going,
my personality is shifting, my goals are finally settling
I only want positive people in my life, that understand me and allow me to understand them.

He was feeling down last night, I bought him some of his fave ice scream and went over. Hadnt seen the kids in a while.. his sister hugged me and his little brother was acting up to get my attention. I love those little monsters. We saw a stupid movie and somewhere along the lines fell asleep in eachothers arms, Woke up in the middle of the night and made my way home....

motita @ 2007-12-13T22:28:00

2007-12-14T04:38:32Z

today was a low...
Missing Ixchel like crazy... thinking of her all day...
Wanting to run to gus and hold him and have him let me cry while my face is burried in his chest.
I want him to talk to me about ixchel and kiss my head while i cry and tell him how much i miss her...
then i realized i couldnt and i felt even lower. I don't have two of my best friends in my life anymore.. two of the people that made this year bearable... that when at my lowest bought me up... picked me up and reminded me of the meaning of life. Friendship and love...
I talked to him for a bit i broke down.. and he said he was thinking of her today... my baby she is always watching out for me... reminded me of the dream he had of her when she passed... when she threatened him...
No one understands how much i love him... i dont even understand.
I just want my friends back... i want to go back to the beginning of two summers ago... I want her back... i want us closer than ever... acting fools learning and living together... I want him flashing a smile at me everytime i saw him... holding me and telling me how much he loved me...
now i'm all alone... and it hurts like hell... i feel like i am being punished for something... and although i hate to think that way nothing else makes sense...
my chest hurts and my eyes burn from the uncontrolable tears streaming down my face... and even then... they dont explain half of the way i feel on the inside all of the time...

motita @ 2007-12-06T16:24:00

2007-12-06T22:25:13Z

finals....make me want to crawl back into where i cam from.

motita @ 2007-10-08T20:01:00

2007-10-09T01:06:36Z

I seriously don't understand the patheticness to people,

to what extremes will someone go to interveen in something they have nothing to do.

Someone read my journal... called gus private and told him to check it out.

Having the relationship i have. He knows about my journal. him an I have read it together and laughed. I have written in it with him sitting next to me.

again that is none of that illusive person's business.

Not mad, just entertained by yet another pathetic attempt by someone who has no balls to do anything about it.

If you are reading this. you are more than welcome to continue reading my journal. If you'r life bores you i understand.

motita @ 2007-10-07T21:58:00

2007-10-08T03:10:35Z

Quiero perder me en una sonrisa,
quisiera no pensar no tratar de buscar el sentido de todo y solamente vivir.
Quisiera hacer lo que quisiera en ese momento
quisiera amar como si nunca habia amado
Quisiera no hablar, solo escuchar y observar
quisiera bailar como si nadien estubiera mirando
Quisiera solamente aprender...

Dreams like this are what keep me going

2007-09-11T21:32:44Z

Last night studied did what I have been doing for the past week and a half... around 12:30ish decided I need to go to bed. And had the best dream ever...

I was at Ixchels house yet the structure of the house was different. But regardless to the best part I was in the living room nervous and confused. I was sitting there with Gus, ixchels mom and her aunt and some other people her cousin JR i believe... I was to preocuppied to acknowledge them though.
in my head i remember just thinking this could not be true!! I was mad yet excited. Apparently i had heard a rumor Ixchel had never passed away!! people came in and our of her bedroom but i could not go in. I jumped out of my seat everytime the door open but for some reason did not go in. I heard talking and from the lil that i was able to concentrate I heard she was getting really sick and she did die for a min but they revived her. She just wanted some time off and for people to go back to their normal lives... I was fixing my hair, biting my nails, shaking my leg. When the door opened and everyone looked at me i knew it was MY TURN TO SEE IXCHEL!! her mom opened the door and she said she wanted to get up for you. i didnt understand what that whisper meant and at the moment I didnt care. I walked into her bedroom and saw her skinny weak body struggling to get off bed as her aunt tried to help her, but she shooed her aunts arm away and said I want to do it myself. Her aunt walked out as i was for some reason terrified to walk in... As she stood up i was looking down terrified, nervous and confused yet nothing more than excited. I looked up and saw her... i then noticed her legs were swollen..swolled like the last time I saw her. I looked up at her face and she looked nervous & excited... her mouth twitched either from retaining pain or from not knowing what to say. I knew it was my friend but i stood there starring not knowing what to do when finally i cried... i cried like i cried the day they told me she passed away. I fell to my knees exactly the way i did when i heard the news... I sobbed into my hands then i looked up and saw her legs... i stood up walked up to her and could not talk but just sobbed... she cried she cried almost as much as me. I got close to her and touched her arm not knowing if I hugged her she would disapear.. I touched her arm and i cried harder. In between sobbing i smiled at her and said " I never thought I would be able to touch you again" she grabbed my hand and said it was okay and i hugged her... I hugged her and dug my face into her shoulder as she did into mine the way we did the night she came out of the hospital. I just kept looking at her not wanting to say anything not wanting her to disapear and let it all be another lie. I looked at her and i could tell discomfort... I asked if she was in pain and she said no just uncomfortable. I dont feel pain anymore just getting use to it. In that case talking about her swollen legs. I helped her sit on her bed and i just stood there and out of nowhere we both started laughing... laughing like we use to bust out laughing out of nowhere. I said I knew it couldnt be true... she smiled and said sorry. I got real serious and felt the wetness on my face, the sour taste of my own tears dripping into my mouth. I wiped my face with my arm and said just dont do it again... It's the most horrible feeling ever... she cried and said it was for me too... I just had to... we both looked away as if uncomfortable and ashamed. She said "Although we havent talked and I have not seen you, I've still been here I heard a lot about whats been going on... and i have a few questions and a lot of clarification i need from yoU!" i smiled and said "uh oh!" i hugged her and then i woke up... I could feel her skin her hugs, her breathing on my shoulder and the moistness of her tears it was so realistic.. I woke up this morning and she was not there i couldnt help but try to go back to sleep... I cried I cried because I miss her, I cried because I wish the dream were true... I cried because I woke up... I cried because I wish she hadnt been in pain, I wanted to be in pain instead of her...

That which dont kill me...

2007-09-05T02:56:14Z

WILL ONLY MAKE ME STRONGER....

motita @ 2007-08-31T12:12:00

2007-08-31T17:13:49Z

This is the point of no return I could never go back
Life without parol up state shackled and trapped
Living in the hole, lookin' at the world through a crack
But fuck that, I'd rather shoot it out and get clapped
I've gone too far, there ain't no coming back for me
Auschwitz gas chamber full of Zyklon-B
Just like the spanish exterminating Tynos
Raping the black and Indian women, creating Latinos
Mother fuckers made me out of self richeous hatered
And you got yourself a virus, stuck in the Matrix
A suicide bomer strapped and ready to blow
Lethal injection strapped down ready to go
Don't you understand they'll never let me live out in peace
Concreate jungle, guerilla war out in the streets
Nat Turner with the sickle pitch fork and ma chatte
The end of the world, mother fucker you not ready
This is the point of no return and nobody can stop it
Malcolm little running up before Elijah Muhammad
The commedent killed the dinosaurs, changing the earth
They love to criticize they always say I change for the worse
Like prescription pills when you miss using them nigga
The temple of nights when they took Jerusalem nigga
And figured out what was buried under Soloman's temple
Al Aksa the name is no coincidental
I know too much to government is trying to murder me
No coming back like cutting your wrists open vertically
How could the serpant be purposely put in charge of the country
Genetic engineered sickness spread amongst me
My people are so hungry that they attack without reason
Like a fuckin' dog ripping off the hand that feeds him
Immortal Technique is treason to the patriot act
So come and get me mother fucker cause I'm not coming back

This is the point from which I could never return
And if I back down now then forever I burn
This is the point from which I could never retreat
Cause If I turn back now there can never be peace
This is the point from which I will die and succeed
Living the struggle, I know I'm alive when I bleed
From now on it can never be the same as before
Cause the place I'm from doesn't exist anymore

This is the point of no return you better believe this
Mary Magdalen giving birth to the children of Jesus
The evolution of the world, bloody and dramatic
Human beings killing monkeys to conquer the planet
The kingdoms of Africa and Mesopotamia
Machine gunning your body with depleated uranium
This is the age of micro chips and titanium
The dark side of the moon and contact with aliens
I started out like Australians, criminal minded
Broke into hell, tore it down, and built and city behind it
South Paul, murderous, methadology
Remember that I'm just a man don't follow me
Cause once you past the point you can never go home
You've got to face the possibility of dying alone
So tell me mother fucker, how could you die for the throne?
When you don't even got the fuckin' heart to die for your own
It rains acid, one day the earth will cry from a stone
And you'll be lookin' at the world livin' inside of a dome
Comperized humanity living inside of a clone
This is the place where the unknown is living and real
Worm went to planet X and the seventh seal
Universal truth is not measure in mass appeal
This is the last time that I kneel and pray to the sky
Cause almost everything that I was always ever told was a lie

This is the point from which I could never return
And if I back down now then forever I burn
This is the point from which I could never retreat
Cause If I turn back now there can never be peace
This is the point from which I will die and succeed
Living the struggle, I know I'm alive when I bleed
From now on it can never be the same as before
Cause the place I'm from doesn't exist anymore

On your bday...

2007-08-21T15:01:52Z

My sister it's her bday today a wole 27 years old. SHe doesn't read this but I will write it regardless.
This girl I love so much, the love of a sister I dont know what it could be compared to. She is my best friend the one person who knows me too good for her own good. I like to pretend she doesn't i like to pretend we are from different planets but honestly I look up to her like no other. To me she knows soo much and i want to learn everything she knows, I want to be like her respectful, gorgeous, classy and fun.
   Sometimes I think what would have been of me had I not had her as an older sister... I don't know honestly... she sets such an awesome example for me and although sometimes I want to go against what she does or says I still take it into consideration and just slightly skew things to be more "gladys and not so Linda" I know she will love me regardless and sometimes I dont want to tell her certain things of fear of disappointing her.
I feel connected to her because we grew up together... she lived and saw what I did and if anything on those days when even as a kid I just wanted to sit in my room and cry or hide from everything that was happening at home, my sister was one of the reasons that I didn't do that. I get jealous when i feel someone taking my sister from me, I get scared that maybe she wont like me as much if she has someone else really close to her... I'm scared that the hard shell I try to put out there will make her think I dont appreciate her as much as I do. And even on those days when she might say or do something that breaks my heart I excuse it, because it is my sister. I love her, i understand her and I cant help it.
   Before i use to think ..."what if one day someone took my sister from me" I would not be able to live... They would take my support, my motivation from me. I no longer think of that ever since Ixchel passed away. I couldnt bare to even imagine... loosing Ixchel was like loosing a younger sister, I allowed her into my life I decided to let her know me... I chose to be that way with her... and it hurts like hell to not have her after being friends 6 years... I can only begin to imagine not having my SISTER.... why i think this you might ask?
I can't help it now... I cant help but opening up and loving EVERY single day i am capable of walking... seeing the sun, experiencing the rain... after I saw the excitement in Ixchel's face after going outside after being in a bed for months. I realized HOW MUCH we all take life for granted, and although it is inevitable as a human, It is simply a constant reminder that helps us appreciate.

Overall I remember how much i would look up to my sister and how much i still do. It wasnt just a phase it's just how amazing she is. No one could manage to put her down in my eyes in my mind. Even after she let that dog bite me and not her, How late she was to picking me up from school cuz she was out with daniel, or how much she made me walk ahead of her when we went out. She is still my sister who took me to the bathroom EVERY TIME i had to pee out in public, Who put me in a talent show when i was 4 and taught me the words to Bronco, who threatened to make me sleep in the kitchen floor when i was annoying at night, or who woke me up at midnight to shut the lights when she could have sat up and did it. My sister who would gather us all and pretend to be the teacher reading us stories or try to scare us with "scary stories". MY sister who put me over her shoulders and we danced to "pelos sueltos, gloria trevi" during our weekly talent shows at home. The sister who as we get older accepts me for my mistakes, my accomplishments or failures. Who I know believes in me and understands me even in my dumb moments. My sister who drops anything and everything when i am in need of help. I have soo hard to do that for her, to repay her for simply one measly bit of everything she has done for me. I hope I have at least been there for her one piece of what she has been there for me.
I see Krystal and I only could pray to be as good as an older sister to her as Linda is to me. She set the standards high.
I love my Sister, happy birthday to her, as she turns 27 I am thankful i have had her for 20 years of my life. I am honestly blessed to have her as a sister & a friend. I hope she has a hundred more years... because she is an awesome addition to this world, to our family. It is because of her our home has it's moments of joy. because of her we have xmas, thanksgiving, bdays, fathers day, mothers day and shit maybe even hanuka sometimes!
My sister is my role model...

motita @ 2007-07-13T02:50:00

2007-07-14T05:20:37Z

Wu-Tang Clan

Charter One Pavilion at Northerly Island
1300 S. Linn White Drive

Nas, Talib Kweli, Pharoahe Monch, Immortal Technique, Jedi Mind Tricks, Rahzel, Hi Tek, MC Supernatural.

Aug. 26: 3 p.m.

Price: $45-$100
Ticketmaster: 312-559-1212
Box office: 312-540-2000

HEEELLL YEAH!
I'm in!! can't wait for this one.
on another note very interesting thing occured today write about it tomorrow maybe

I have seen peace I have seen pain resting on the shoulders of your name.

2007-06-14T21:23:31Z

I am trying to better myself. Trying to enjoy life more do things as I please. I miss my friend... when i have something i want to tell her i look at my phone book and pass up her name... hold 7 on my speed dial. Friday at Dannys graduation party her parents and brother where there... i missed her so much... on wensday i had talked to her mom and I told her i havent been to the cementary.. i just cant do it.. she said Gladys you have to go visit my chiquita... you cant leave her alone now.. I know she is right,
I am scared I am still in Denial and thats why i cant go...
I am scared of what will occur when/if I go...
    So much is going on and shes not around! It makes me angry that I am still alive and shes not..
yesterday i went for a walk with gus... for a while i was in my own world... thinking of how much that would have meant to ixchel... how fun she would have made it just by her great presence... I need her to hug me and tell me its okay.. tell me not to cry anymore and be strong for her.

    Everyone tells me it will get worse for a while... i cant imagine it . I am crying right now and im suprised because for the past three weeks no tear has come out of me. I am drained, exhausted, angry, sad, enraged!!


I love you butt head! this pictures right above are just from last summer... not even a year ago...

motita @ 2007-05-14T09:17:00

2007-05-14T14:35:42Z

have had an interesting week... full of ups and downs and emotional outburst.
I hate people
I have no friends is my new conclusion.
Jessica never calls as usual,
David Rod, got back with his gf and as normal was using me i told him off
Yasserth is mad at me and wont talk to me
Yaczen is in her own world and dont call me

yeah pretty much leaves me and my clothes... i realized i dont drink i dont smoke i dont even party all i have for myself is my shopping and work.. hence the me working just about almost full time at the mall cuz im going for that promo and still looking for a second job for the summer and registering for a class... that i FAILED this semester see you yet once again calculus...
I'm a lame and im tired of people coming to me only when they need me. I rather be lonely than a convenience to others... im a good friend if they meet me half way.

motita @ 2007-04-22T20:58:00

2007-04-23T23:38:26Z

To Lisa and Holly I am sorry for not responding to your comments. I smile and i seem okay but I am completely out of it and I wont deny it. Thank you girls for your kind words.

Nothing like crying to my 11 year old sister and having her console me.

motita @ 2007-04-20T14:04:00

2007-04-21T16:41:49Z

this is hard... I miss her so much, i want to call her, see her biggo smile and make obnoxious faces at eachother, run to her when something goes wrong or when something goes as planned. It is so hard to describe the feeling of emptyness when you know you have people there for you. i feel a hole in my chest... i miss her so much I think of her constantly and i love her so much. She gave me a new perspective.. and if before i didnt like staying mad at people I def dont like doing that now. She gave me a new perspective in life and if i didnt appreciate life then I will now. Realize how many people wish they could have made it to their next bday, to go out to diner with friends, or family to go for a walk outside or simply walk to class.

motita @ 2007-04-13T10:43:00

2007-04-13T15:10:42Z

I cant explain my feelings, I dont have any.
I dont have any regrets that I know... Ixchel knew how much she meant to me, she knew how much i tried and I know she cared for me and appreciated me being there for her. Even if we sat and cried, watched tv without saying a word. Or only she spoke or only I spoke I loved her for being there for me and she always told me she loved me.
Last thursday? two thursdays ago when she came home before the girls got to the house and it was only her family and I as i was helping her to the car she couldnt walk she was in so much pain. I yelled for her dad and he came she didnt want him to carry her but i kept telling her to let him carry her it would be easier.. when he put her down on the couch she started crying... he hugged her and they spoke i was talking to lil eddie her brother. I got a call and i stepped into the kitchen and when i was on the phone i looked over at her and saw her crying by herself on the couch i hung up on i dont even remember who i was talking to and i went by her. I cleaned her face fixed her hair and she looked at me. I knelt next to her and we held hands. I said I know your in pain... She said she was scared I told her it was okay to be I told her i felt relieved to hear her say that cuz i had been feeling scared but i didnt want to tell her that. I reminded her how strong she was and she kept nodding saying she wasnt strong. I told her BS! Look what you have been throught!! look how much you have endured!! WHAT normal 19yr old female would have endured all this with that gorgeous smile of yours. All she said was "mi gladys..." I told her what someone told me about how none of us are feeling what she is feeling none of us can make her keep going if she doesnt want to. and she said "im not giving up, we have too much to do!" I said i know... we hugged and cried hugging eachother for about 3 minutes she said i love you gladys and i said i love you too.. and im gonna be here and she said till the end right? and i said and even longer. we cleaned our faces and then proceeded to look around the house for food. Well i did as she yelled from the living room what she had in mind. The girls got there soon after and the environment changed we just threw glances at eachother from across the room.

Last night i fell asleep with gus on the phone... so the phone was under my face... I was asleep and i felt a loud vibrating so i thought it was my phone i woke up in a jerk but my body wouldnt move i was suuuper tense i felt my covers being pulled from me and i thought the dogs are jumping next to the bed. I tried to call them but i couldnt. Then i felt calm but i was still freaked out. i was still on the phone with gus i felt him breathing and i kept slowly calling his name to wake him up but he wouldnt. I then fell asleep after talking to ixchel and i had a bad dreams....

My angelita

2007-04-10T12:34:50Z

Siento que me muero,quiro a mi chaparra.... Its not fair it wasnt the plan I love so much I have tons of friends but not one like her... We had that connection that couldnt seperate us. For some reason things always happened to us at the same time we always went through the same shit. She finished my sentences and i did hers. With one look she told me a story